Dairy-Free, Gluten-Free, Fried Rice and Why I hate Strip Clubs

A few weeks ago a fraternity at Penn took me and some other friends to the Tropicana Casino in Atlantic City. I put $20 in one slot machine and won $350. Afraid to waste away my gains, I quit while I was ahead and didn't gamble any more money in my time there.

In the following days, I tried to think of the best ways to blow that money to maximize the value gleaned from it. This meant spending it on experiences rather than material goods. I decided to go to the strip club cause I thought it would be a good time. It's supposed to be fun right? Isn't this what guys do to have fun?

Previously the only strip club I had been to was Show and Tell. I went there once with a few friends and once with a fraternity. My buddies told me that Delilah's was the nicest one in Philly so I decided to go there. It was about 5 on I think a Wednesday and it was the first week of classes so I had no homework and nothing to do until later that night so I said "what the hell" and took a cab there.

I sat myself down at the bar next to a middle-aged Mexican man. I started to make small talk. Is Delilah's the nicest strip club in Philly? Do you come here often? What's your favorite type of cigar?

After about 10 minutes I saw an attractive girl come down from upstairs. She was blonde with glasses--sporting the sexy nerd look that has become a Halloween costume staple. After a few minutes she got onstage. I said to the Mexican man, "that one's cute right?" "Yea she's cute, but she never lets me touch her senos. But you are young maybe she lets you touch them." I liked that. She wasn't willing to let dudes touch her boobs for a quick buck. In attempt to set myself apart from the horny males who frequent these clubs, I went up to her and said "I'm going to pay you for a lap dance but I just want to talk."

I told her that strip clubs bothered me. They're all about tricking guys that you like them, that you're into them, that you feel something for them. They just perpetuate the stereotype of the male who can't control his sexual urges. Believe me, I have nothing against lap dances, but I only want one from someone who genuinely wants to give one to me, not from someone who only cares about the bills in my wallet.

We talked for a while. I have no idea how long. She told me about how she went to Richmond and then to Temple, worked for a law firm, and now works for a tech company. She wasn't living on the streets in North Philly with stripping as her only source of income. She was clearly smart and a bit nerdy, but she was secure in her nerdiness. She was not the least bit ashamed to be a stripper, definitely a self-confident girl. For health reasons she maintains a dairy-free, gluten-free diet. At the end she told me to pay her what I wanted. I gave her $60. Looking back, I probably owed her around $400.

I went back to talk to her a few times--never a lap dance--maintaining the theme of my disgust with strip clubs. Then it hit me. I'm just as bad as these losers who come here for lap dances. They pay someone who has no interest in them to give them a lap dance or motorboat their titties. I pay someone who has no interest in me to talk to me and pretend they're interested in me. That's even worse. While there aren't many girls at Penn who dish out lap dances, there are plenty of attractive girls at Penn to talk to who wouldn't feign interest and who don't charge speaking fees. It's just unfortunate that my wallet had to take a beating before I really analyzed my actions.

Food always on my mind, I naturally thought about her dairy-free, gluten-free diet. That's gotta be rough. But least she can eat fried rice.

Here's a simple fried rice thrown together with some leftover take-out white rice and ingredients in my pantry. I often find that fried rice is all salt and grease. I aim to balance the flavors in mine by adding a touch of hoisin for sweetness, some sriracha for heat, and a dash or rice wine vinegar for acidity. Also I'm pretty liberal with the sesame oil because I love the flavor, but it is powerful so add it to your own taste.


Ingredients:

• About two cups of day-old cooked rice (I always make this with leftover Chinese food rice). 
• 4 Cloves of Garlic, crushed and peeled
• 2-3 medium-sized onions, diced. 
• 2 eggs
• About 2 tsp Hoisin Sauce (or to taste)
• About 2 tsp Rice Wine Vinegar (or to taste)
• Soy Sauce (or taste)
• Sesame Oil (to taste)
• Sriracha (to taste)
• Salt 
• pepper

1. Coat the bottom of a cast-iron skillet or Dutch oven with peanut oil and turn to medium heat.
2. Cook garlic cloves until golden brown and then remove from skillet.
3. Add diced onions and cook until dark golden brown. Add a pinch of salt. (I cook these until they are almost black because I really like them crispy). 
4. Add rice to skillet and cook for about five minutes until it has heated through and has begun to take on a touch of color. Add a pinch of salt. (Make sure the rice hasn't completely soaked up all the oil in the pan, the fried rice should not be overly greasy,  but it should be coated with oil. The overall grease level however is up to the cook)
5. At this point add the sriracha, rice wine vinegar, hoisin sauce and salt to taste, and mix thoroughly.
6. Remove rice from heat, and divide into two bowls. 
7. Drizzle in soy sauce and sesame oil. 
8. Fry eggs sunny-side up in a non-stick pan or well-seasoned cast iron skillet, seasoning them with salt and pepper as they cook.  
9. Top each bowl of fried rice with a sunny-side up egg and serve.